that struggle within...

Sometimes, well maybe a little more then sometimes, life seems to be this struggle to maintain some sort of continual balance. Ever since leaving school, and shortly thereafter, leaving the US I have been engaged in this struggle to figure out when on earth I might possible be heading. My focus shifts constantly, not just in subject, but on the level in which I squint my third eye. What part of my life demands the next step? Is it my personal life that needs some extra flavor? Is a good group of friends better than a best bud? Will a girlfriend overcomplicate my life or bring another aspect more beautiful than I could have envisioned? If I let my professional side lapse, can I make up the slack with my hobbies? These questions seem to be even more difficult when there is another language, another culture, and my own unstable brain all competing for that next conscious push forward. In the end, I end up moving forward on some sort of path that almost feels predestined. I try for something in spirit but all of my conscious efforts fail. Only after a mixture of coincidence, foresight, and a lot of pure luck do things seem to move in the way that I had wanted, or maybe more honestly put, move in a way that afterwards I can accept, thereby letting one part of my life move on, and actually feel somewhat content. That is, until things change, and that feeling which suggests that things must change sometime soon comes over me once again.

So it goes...